I have been asked by many how am I feeling, I can't give words to what I feel, there is such a mix of emotions and uncertainties happening, I will try to explain. To start, am I glad to have my son home, at a level yes, I don't have to check the news for dead bodies, I don't have to call hospitals to check admissions to ICU, I don't have to fear phone calls (as much), I don't have to fear someone knocking on the door. I do have to worry, when will he leave, when will he have a seizure, how aggressive will he get, will he hurt himself or me. What if he forgets to turn off the stove, water, close the door, watch the dogs don't get out, will he get angry at a dog and hurt them, When will he decided to leave again. Am I happy he is home yes at a level, but as I realized I can't lie to myself anymore about what he is and what he is not.
This has been an adjustment for everyone who lives under this roof, not just me but Allen, William and Sierra, this is change that no one can describe, there are no words.
Allen is an interesting mix of toddler, brain injured man, as well as Drug Addict, it is like he has a 32 year old record playing in his head, there are tracts that play normally, (eat, Sleep, Drink,) there are some tracts that are broken (memories, choices, consequences), there are some tracts that are melted ( four repetitive concepts, drugs, babies, law,) there are tracts that just don't connect, (bathing, Hygiene, Toilet, personal space, and communication)
The days and nights are tough, they require a lot of deep breaths they require a lot of acceptance, and a lot of just trusting God's plan, I am scare, terrified, happy, sad, entertained, and overall just amazed at what is happening. I am taking it one breath at a time, and trying to get past the dread of what has been and what might be. I am dealing as best as I can, I am protecting those I love as best as I can, I am keeping busy and have a smile on waiting for the next step, problem, let down, phone call, seizure, violent moment, laughter, mostly I am in awe of this and am enjoying as much as possible, making the most of what I have been given, and in the words of Allen,
"that is a happy noise you are making" finding joy where I can.
thanks for all the support and kind words love and texts, calls, positive thoughts, I will be reaching out for sanity breaks soon to get me away so I can keep fighting.