Hello again, well we are well into our twelfth year since Allen's accident, the anniversary day of his accident, jump, fall, idiot moment came quietly this year. I did not post about it on social media, I did not circle the day or make any noise about it, I got into my car drove to work with tears running down my face once again. To my heart if felt right to my brain I was saying why it has been 12 years, nothing has changed for years, and he is safe he is in jail, get it together no one cares anymore.
After losing dad just 6 months before it was a tough day for me to get moving. It is hard to explain to people who do not have a child who lives on the streets and is a drug addict, or for someone who simply does not have a child who is a drug addict. I realize there is over a million persons who live with an addict at some level and in no way am I unique or special, but unlike a many, I have no other child to pour myself into, and since dad is gone I feel like I have no blood family left, which is not exactly true I have some family but for years now I have felt like a second thought. I realize some of the feeling are mine to own, but much is beyond that, when you don't hear from any family member unless it is to borrow, buy, fix, give, or rescue for one thing or another and you hear time and again about this family function and that family function which you only hear as a second hand comment after things happen. Now understand I am not evil, mean, hateful, contrary, or even drama driven, At least I am not told I am, Okay enough with the babble, on to the words and feelings. To say it I have felt alone and on my own from my family since dad left. I knew this was going to happen from the past experiences and that I have always at some level been a loaner, (Guess that is where Allen gets it). My husband Bill has been amazing and we are a great together one of those relationships you see on the hallmark channel,
So about 3 weeks ago, I was surprised to get a call from the Jail, yes the Jail, never a good thing when you have family locked up. It was the psychologist and he wanted to talk to me about Allen and his mental status, I asked all the normal mom questions and the nice man could not answer because he did not have the answers, why are you asking, well the judge asked me to evaluate him to stand trial, Trial for what, well he has a lot of fines and charges, Yea really think I knew that almost 50,000 in fines. Why is the judge asking, I don't know, Allen does not know much and won't answer questions. Is he having seizures, He has seizures, hummm Yea, Is he supposed to be on medication, yes three different drugs plus the implant. Oh can you tell me what happened to him, (oh crap, where do you want me to start and how much detail), to summarize this went on for about 40 minutes and needless to say the Jail knew nothing about his medical needs or history. The Jail and State system wants to charge him and prosecute him for his bad behavior (YEA), but thanks to this psychologist Allen cannot pass any the basic test or questions, and until he is competent he cannot stand trial, they cannot release him to the streets, so they are looking for an out be it prison, or the state mental hospital. I can say that after 12 years and all the challenges and battles I have faced with this road you would think the calls and stories and updates would not cause tears but you would be wrong. Everyday is a battle to not cry, and every call brings tears, every new challenge causes my heart to break a little more. So I am waiting to hear if Allen goes to Prison or becomes institutionalized the rest of his life.
I have said it and will say in many more times, Allen has taught me so much in our life together, he is a shit, and makes me absolutely crazy, I do not in any way approve his life choices or situation but I love the child I gave birth to as well as the man he has grown into, as many at my challenges and struggles the pale in comparison to what that young may carries so much more than I can imagine or comprehend. So through the tears, fears, doubts, and struggles I love him and pray that he will be directed to the place he needs to be.
thanks for reading,