Sunday, September 30, 2018

Living with Allen; One Breath at a Time

I have been asked by many how am I feeling, I can't give words to what I feel, there is such a mix of emotions and uncertainties happening, I will try to explain. To start, am I glad to have my son home, at a level yes, I don't have to check the news for dead bodies, I don't have to call hospitals to check admissions to ICU, I don't have to fear phone calls (as much), I don't have to fear someone knocking on the door. I do have to worry, when will he leave, when will he have a seizure, how aggressive will he get, will he hurt himself or me. What if he forgets to turn off the stove, water, close the door, watch the dogs don't get out, will he get angry at a dog and hurt them, When will he decided to leave again. Am I happy he is home yes at a level, but as I realized I can't lie to myself anymore about what he is and what he is not.
This has been an adjustment for everyone who lives under this roof, not just me but Allen, William and Sierra, this is change that no one can describe, there are no words.
Allen is an interesting mix of toddler, brain injured man, as well as Drug Addict, it is like he has a 32 year old record playing in his head, there are tracts that play normally, (eat, Sleep, Drink,) there are some tracts that are broken (memories, choices, consequences), there are some tracts that are melted ( four repetitive concepts, drugs, babies, law,) there are tracts that just don't connect, (bathing, Hygiene, Toilet, personal space, and communication)
The days and nights are tough, they require a lot of deep breaths they require a lot of acceptance, and a lot of just trusting God's plan, I am scare, terrified, happy, sad, entertained, and overall just amazed at what is happening. I am taking it one breath at a time, and trying to get past the dread of what has been and what might be. I am dealing as best as I can, I am protecting those I love as best as I can, I am keeping busy and have a smile on waiting for the next step, problem, let down, phone call, seizure, violent moment, laughter, mostly I am in awe of this and am enjoying as much as possible, making the most of what I have been given, and in the words of Allen,
"that is a happy noise you are making" finding joy where I can.
thanks for all the support and kind words love and texts, calls, positive thoughts, I will be reaching out for sanity breaks soon to get me away so I can keep fighting.

Friday, September 14, 2018

Living with Allen, returning home

I have tried to be very open and honest about my life with Allen, and the challenges his injuries and drug addiction have presented. I am not sure what people think from my posts or blog, I know that the life I live is not in any sense an easy one or even easy to explain.  I want to update everyone that in some manner has walked this road with me either by reading, or support or just praying.  My words will be honest and mean no ill will,  nor do I feel I am or do anything special other than love my only child please take no offense.

A bit of a back story,  Allen left home 4 1/2 years ago, he walked away from home. By choice he left everything, no word no goodbye just gone.  Since then he has spent almost 2 of those years in jail, he has been admitted to one hospital or another over 12 times, placed in the intensive care unit each time.  I have spoken to 26 social workers and nearly that many physicians explaining our story. Each time explaining Allen is welcome home with the understanding the house rules apply to all who live here and there are no drugs or drug use allowed.  I have been told 30 plus times (he does not want to talk to you, he does not want you here, he does not want to come home)  I have honored these wishes and with each time spoken the same words being turned away each time.  On Monday night the 10 of September, another call came, and some conversations to two doctors and two social workers, then a call came back he wants to talk to you and wants to come home.  

Panic and fear set in, how do I do this, what next.  The few people I shared with said prayer answered (well not exactly).  Conversations with husband and granddaughter on how this will affect us and what to expect, risks and possibilities, scrounged basic clothes and off I go.

Allen is home, well let me say what is left of Allen is home. He came home with nothing, absolutely nothing, he came home infantile, and in his head and memory he had been gone only a few months, months not years. He has a total of 4 stories he repeats and repeats with nothing much more in his head. The lessons learned before drugs and brain injury remain, ( I need to eat, sleep, pee in the toilet, and mom wants me to keep the house neat) nothing more. 

Am I glad to have him home, on one level yes, am I able to accept this and him yes with out a doubt, is this an answer to my prayers no not even close, this is not a relief this is work it is a mothers work and I am glad to be able to be his mom, mother and I love the broken boy. This is heart breaking, emotionally draining and life altering once again.  In just 3 days it has effected my marriage, my coping it has tested my strength and abilities.  It is not a blessing or opportunity alone it is having a 32 year old grown man who functions like a 3 or 4 year old, who has full blown seizures, craves drugs, has anger and violent tendencies mental illness and severe medical issues.  He comes with 100,000 in medical debt criminal history, no medical insurance, no memory beyond yesterday, a desire to be normal and accepted, and not looked at like he is broken, dirty, different, and a societal abnormality.  

This is not easy it takes work, hours will go into solving the medical, social, legal hygiene issues.  It takes talking to a grown man like a child but accepting his choices as you accept him.  It is a labor of love which I am glad and blessed to get to do once again

I will once again put it all together again fix that which can be fixed call update, beg plead write letters and beg for people to forgive, forget, expunge, decrease amounts due write off bad debt.  I will return to looking over my shoulder and watching the cars parked by the house and those who drive past. The fear for my son I have felt every day has come home with him.  I will do all this with love and acceptance, with a smile and honor for the boy, knowing that the likelihood he will walk away and back to the street in a week or a month, one day is beyond likely because the call of the street and drugs too often outweigh the love of mom.

So say a prayer for strength to do what I get the honor to do, pray for acceptance of his choices, and pray that the lessons for both of us are kind and the least painful possible 

Allen is home for today 

Saturday, April 28, 2018

Living with Allen Anniversary

Hello again,  well we are well into our twelfth year since Allen's accident, the anniversary day of his accident, jump, fall, idiot moment came quietly this year.  I did not post about it on social media, I did not circle the day or make any noise about it, I got into my car drove to work with tears running down my face once again. To my heart if felt right to my brain I was saying why it has been 12 years, nothing has changed for years, and he is safe he is in jail, get it together no one cares anymore.

After losing dad just 6 months before it was a tough day for me to get moving. It is hard to explain to people who do not have a child who lives on the streets and is a drug addict, or for someone who simply does not have a child who is a drug addict. I realize there is over a million persons who live with an addict at some level and in no way am I unique or special, but unlike a many, I have no other child to pour myself into, and since dad is gone I feel like I have no blood family left, which is not exactly true I have some family but for years now I have felt like a second thought.  I realize some of the feeling are mine to own, but much is beyond that, when you don't hear from any family member unless it is to borrow, buy, fix, give, or rescue for one thing or another and you hear time and again about this family function and that family function which you only hear as a second hand comment after things happen.  Now understand I am not evil, mean, hateful, contrary, or even drama driven,  At least I am not told I am, Okay enough with the babble, on to the words and feelings.  To say it I have felt alone and on my own from my family since dad left. I knew this was going to happen from the past experiences and that I have always at some level been a loaner, (Guess that is where Allen gets it).  My husband Bill has been amazing and we are a great together one of those relationships you see on the hallmark channel,

So about 3 weeks ago, I was surprised to get a call from the Jail, yes the Jail, never a good thing when you have family locked up.  It was the psychologist and he wanted to talk to me about Allen and his mental status, I asked all the normal mom questions and the nice man could not answer because he did not have the answers,  why are you asking, well the judge asked me to evaluate him to stand trial,  Trial for what, well he has a lot of fines and charges, Yea really think I knew that almost 50,000 in fines.  Why is the judge asking, I don't know, Allen does not know much and won't answer questions.  Is he having seizures, He has seizures, hummm Yea,  Is he supposed to be on medication,  yes three different drugs plus the implant.  Oh can you tell me what happened to him,  (oh crap, where do you want me to start and how much detail), to summarize this went on for about 40 minutes and needless to say the Jail knew nothing about his medical needs or history.  The Jail and State system wants to charge him and prosecute him for his bad behavior (YEA), but thanks to this psychologist Allen cannot pass any the basic test or questions, and until he is competent he cannot stand trial, they cannot release him to the streets, so they are looking for an out be it prison, or the state mental hospital.  I can say that after 12 years and all the challenges and battles I have faced with this road you would think the calls and stories and updates would not cause tears but you would be wrong.  Everyday is a battle to not cry, and every call brings tears, every new challenge causes my heart to break a little more.  So I am waiting to hear if Allen goes to Prison or becomes institutionalized the rest of his life.

I have said it and will say in many more times, Allen has taught me so much in our life together, he is a shit, and makes me absolutely crazy, I do not in any way approve his life choices or situation but I love the child I gave birth to as well as the man he has grown into, as many at my challenges and struggles the pale in comparison to what that young may carries so much more than I can imagine or comprehend.  So through the tears, fears, doubts, and struggles I love him and pray that he will be directed to the place he needs to be.


thanks for reading,