Most of you have read and followed my blog about Allen and what life is like with a child who is brain injured, homeless and a challenge to say the least. What you may not realize is that Allen is a drug addict this is how it all started, a girl saying try this. I for the longest time hated that young lady who started my son down the path of destruction, I have since forgiven her, and I now pray for her. I do not know if she is still alive or healthy or happy, I simply pray she found release to her struggles that lead her to drugs, for I believe she used drugs to escape something I will never understand.
Allen was 17 when he first choose to use the evil mistress, he fell hard and he fell fast, drugs are such a seductress it took no time for Allen to be lying, stealing, he dropped out of school 3 weeks before graduation and disappeared into the world of drugs, dreams, no responsibility, freedom, and wandering as he describes it. It took almost 3 years before I heard from, well of, him again. I stalked Myspace (Facebook did not exist) he would surface with some poem or picture or such, the evil mistress played to his creative side at first. 3 short years that seemed like a lifetime and his accident happened, the accident that took my son from me, that was 10 long hard emotional and frustrating years.
Allen was clean for the first few years after his accident, well he did spend a year in the hospital, so lets say the first 3 years after coming home, then a neighbor boy said here try this, and the world I dreamed for crashed.. Most moms want college, marriage, grand kids, successes and bragging rights for their kids, well I was no different until 10 years ago, those dreams were left on an interstate in California. My dreams became, let him walk, let him not hurt, let him make it one day without a seizure, let him potty train (he was 20-23 years old), let me handle what is given me this hour, day, week, let me have strength today.
After he was reintroduced to drugs all was lost well in a sense, my beautiful boy is alive he is not the boy I raised, he is not the boy I dreamt he would be, he is not a functioning member of society, he is amazing, he is polite, he is kind, he is respectful, (I guess I did something right), I know this from the police who arrest him, the doctors that treat him, the social workers who try to help him, from the Judges who sentence him, I also know since having lunch with him in December he will never be my boy again, he is his own lost soul, he will never function in society he will never come home "Normal" at some level I have accepted this at some level I grieve the loss of my boy, the dreams, the possibilities, at some level I want it all over and an end to the roller coaster.
As I write in this blog the new chapters I will share my heart and feelings, some of this will be difficult to write and share, some will be difficult to read, none of it is meant to hurt, shame, or offend anyone, it is one mom's view of life with the evil mistress living in your nightmares waking hours, hiding in your closets, and ever present in your home.
This year I start with acceptance of my sons' life where he is and wherever he ends up, it has taken me a long time to get to this acceptance, I have looked in so many places to find the answers and how to accept when it was actually simple I opened my eyes and saw my son for who he is, I did this in December when I saw him in person for the first time in over 3 years. I knew when I saw him sat next to him and listened with my heart I could not save him. In trying I was killing myself, with wasted energy, wasted dreams, and never ending faith and love, and it in no way effected Allen or his choices. I was luck enough to receive a picture of Allen on his 29th birthday.
I was shocked and upset when I received it I cried and cried I hid it from those around me I would look at it and cry, then I accepted it was what it was it spoke volumes to me. Then around his birthday this year 30 years old I received another picture of him from a friend who responded to a medical in which Allen was in need of help, this friend had not seen Allen since he was about 12 years old, but knew the sweet kid now a broken man. Again the picture ripped at me and hurt so bad, where did I fail, for weeks all the bad choices, all the arguments, fights, nights with no money to feed us, missed events because I worked, all the bad mommy minutes and days haunted me ( don't get me wrong I know I did what had to happen, I made the best decisions I could under the circumstances, and I am in no way directly to blame for this, at times of pain doubt follows closely behind).
This year I joined an amazing group for addicts moms' I found it nice to know I was not alone in this journey, as I read their stories and worries and experience's I quickly discovered, that I did not belong with those amazing women, I do not know if I am deluding myself in thinking I am in a better place where Allen's choices are concerned, or if I am just naive in believing I am, overall I found I was becoming more depressed and hopeless as I read the thousands of posts from mothers all over the world with kids who are addicts. I admire these ladies, and pray for them and their kids but for now at least in this battle I am going it alone in a sense perhaps I will heal enough to join this group again perhaps I will never be where they are in the world of addiction
When I visited with Allen a few short months ago I saw so much in his eyes, in his speech, in his mannerisms, and I saw how much he has lost, declined and how much more of my son has disappeared even since the last picture I was sent. I did not get a picture of him that day, part of me wishes I had gotten one last picture of us but part of me wants to remember the boy that resembles the picture in my heart.
The life of an addicts mom is an odd and unusual one, the things that become normal if you shared with anyone would make you shake your head, I am in no way an expert in being the mom of a addict for me it has been easier to deny it and hide away from it, mostly because I have been separated from it and my son for so long. I admire all the thousands of parents both moms and dads who walk this path. I will continue to share my experiences and thoughts with you in this blog, I do so not for sympathy but to simply share and allow myself to heal at some level.
thank you for reading