I guess I will start with Allen is still alive, I found this out just yesterday, I have not heard of him in over 6 months, I have not heard from him in nearly 8 months, I guess I will start from the present and move backwards to cover the year.
Yesterday I received a text message from Allen's step mom (she is amazing and a great friend), Heidi has not had much to do with Allen in years because of his choices, she still has young children, that do not need the bad influence, Heidi loves Allen, but limits need to be set. Allen's step father has some connections in law enforcement and heard that Allen was arrested again, ( I had not checked the jail roster in over a week, so I hopped online and looked sure enough, he is once again in Jail, this time the list of offences is not as long as last years, but it is long enough an has a few extra charges that have not been seen before, the biggest of which is drug possession greater than an ounce, and drug paraphernalia, I know does not seem like much but this is his 3rd offense on both, (well the third that he has been booked into Jail with and that are on the records, when he was still in the hospital I got similar charges expunged due to his accident/injuries and year in the hospital) So with the three strike rule there is a chance Allen will go to Prison for the first time, for me this will be the best of all things he will be safe, warm, feed, drug free, and medicated for his seizures and mental illness. The struggle I have is an internal one how can a mother pray for her son to be in prison, locked up and put away from everything "normal" especially 5 days before Christmas, but it is how my heart feels.
In October my Dad passed away, yes it has been tough, I have lost my only child to drugs, and the man he has become, although I love him, is not a man I can live with or would want to live with for so many reasons, mostly because between the severe brain injury and the effect of the drugs on him he would not be happy in a structured environment with rules and expectations, no matter home much love I could give him, there is a point you cannot bring back what is forever lost. So losing my dad has been hard, he was my strength, my rock, the person I fought to make proud, I am amazed how much I have been lost in the 2 months since losing him. The last 5 days of his life was hard, his cancer won, he became weak, and could not stand or walk in that week I was called over to his house at least 20 times to pick him up, help him off the floor, get him to the bathroom, I cannot get the visions out of my head, He was so strong independent and private, and that week so helpless and dependent, I am honored he trusted me to be the one, and knowing that the strength he instilled in me would allow me to do what needed to be done, but the loss is so strong and complicated because in my heart it feels like I have lost all my family between losing Dad and having Allen gone, knowing that both men will never be there again. I thank my dad for teaching me to be strong and independent, and private, I pray that I was able to pass on to Allen just a small about of what was taught me by Dad. The biggest part of this is that I never told Allen that Dad was sick and dying, and I know I should tell him, but I honestly do not think he would care in any aspect of it all, Dad was the only Man in his life the only male he looked up to and admired, and I know that if I tell him his response will be to shrug his shoulders and say so what. It feels like another Mom Failure.
So in June, I got to see a small glimpse of the boy I raised, just the smallest peak. I got another of the calls "we have identified your son" I think that makes 22 of these calls, of course it was middle of the night, my heart and instinct this time was to go, so many times I have stayed away knowing that Allen did not want me there, and because of hurt feelings and rejection in the past from Allen. So I loaded up all I would need for a day sitting in ICU at a bedside, (sad to say I have gotten good at this ritual). I arrived and the nurse was just leaving the room, a quick update, Allen was not breathing well enough to get off the ventilator, he was not waking up, it is believed that he was assaulted, beat up and then had a seizure, he had not responded to anything since being brought into the hospital. (not a new story). So being who I am I walked into his room and in my best not pissed off mom voice I said "hello buddy", his eyes popped open, all the bells and whistles went of in the room, the nurse was right there she looked at me and then at Allen and smiled. Allen then reached out and grabbed my hand. So there I sat, holding his hand, talking to him (the real him) we talked about his choices and for the first time I told him I was okay with his choice to be homeless, and live the way he wanted, this surprised him. We talked about his life what he had and did not have, I asked about his assault, and how his medical care is going, and all the normal mom(nurse) things, we had a good conversation, all the time he did not let go of my hand, if I needed to walk away (so he did not see the tears) or go to the bathroom or answer my phone he would turn his head trying to keep an eye on me. (I will forever treasure this time). I found out that Allen due to bad behavior had been kicked out of the library, ( the one place he could get online to check his Facebook) and as a result I had no way to keep tabs on him or communicate with him, we talked about his apartment (he claimed to have one he did not) I told him I could help him get back on insurance and get things so he can start his medications again, he was agreeable, (knowing his history I made an arrangement to have him send me back an envelope to verify his address, I got it back wrong address). so the paperwork sits here waiting. After I left that day, I went shopping, got him a new pair of pants, shoes, backpack, socks underwear, snacks, and water. Putting them all together in the backpack, I went back on the second day, and guess what the drug addict was back, Allen was awake not talking, angry and upset, he did not send me away but in no way wanted to interact with me, the staff in the ICU had ignored him and his needs, so I had to get after them to bathe him, change his wet sheets, and provide care to him, Allen allowed me to help just a little, so to say the least the visit was not very long the second day, I could not hide the tears and had no idea how to talk to this person the angry hateful drug addict that is my son. He was discharged the next day, several phone calls from the hospital he needs a ride, he needs medication it will cost $3000 he needs a place to live he can't go on the street, all of which I know and have heard over and over, and once again I explained to yet another soul who is "just doing their job", I explained that he is well known at the homeless shelter, he is known at their clinic and what medications he needs they provide for him and that this is all his choice and an adult, I also asked them and once again explained that if they asked Allen he can and will speak for himself, that if he wants to come home stay clean or work on getting clean, and have me help I would be there to do so. I never got a call back as typical, the drug addict Allen does not want me.
On to the rest of the year, Allen did well for a few months before he was in the hospital, he was on Facebook several time a week we had some good conversations, and he told me many times he loved me but was okay and where he wanted to be.
The first of the year was not so great, he was arrested in January, he had over 20,000 in fines, they kept him in Jail for nearly 5 months, I broke down and sent him a letter and some email's I never heard a word back. He ended up in the medical ward the last 4 weeks in Jail, and when they were ready to release him due to medical concerns they found me, they stated they wanted me to pick him up and take over his needs they would not elaborate what those needs were, I explained that Allen chooses to be homeless, and that if he wants to come home I will be glad to facilitate that, but they needed to ask him or talk to him, (this took me 3 days and 12 calls).
So they discharged him, to the hospital for a psych evaluation (he had been suicidal and actively tried to hurt himself) he was discharged at 7pm and ended in the hospital I started getting the calls from an amazing social worker, repeating the same conversation I have had 22 times, (Allen is an adult, he chooses to live in the streets, he is a drug addict, he has chosen to have me out of his life I am just starting to talk to him on Facebook, he has been looked at as incompetent by the state because of his addiction and inability vs unwilling to care for himself, he was just released from Jail and if you release him he will be back in a few hours strung out and having seizures. I advised her to talk to Allen and if he wants my involvement I would be glad to come visit and help. the conversations took us to about midnight. She called me back stated I was correct that Allen knew all the answers, and although not okay was not a risk and they were discharging him this was about 1am. At 215 I received the 23 phone call we have identified your son, he is here he had a seizure, he was on drugs..... blah blah blah, and it started all over again.
So we end this year were we started this year, my only child lives in the streets, he wants nothing to do with me, or I should say society in general, he is presently in Jail, possibly headed to prison, he chooses this life, he has a severe head injury, mental illness, addiction, seizures, and no care how things come out. For me I wake up with a prayer everyday, let it be today, let me off this roller coaster, I then check the jail roster, and pray let him be locked up, I listen to the news, not for what is happening in the world but to find out if there are unidentified males that are dead, I often times call the hospitals and ask about admissions, and traumas. I can say I have quit crying as much, I have come to an acceptance of this lifestyle, and of his choices, he is a grown man, I cannot change who he is I can only change how it effects me and how I respond to it, fighting it has only caused me pain and sadness, it has not effected him in any manner. I have come to accept I will never understand, I have come to accept that I have done the best I could with what I knew and had through all this, I have come to accept that I can love him even if he is making choices I don't like, I believe that I have given him what he needs to survive his choices. I often times struggle with what life has handed me to manage, but I know that I have also been given the ability to do just that handle all that has been given to me good or bad. I am thankful for all the support and friends who keep eyes out for him, that understand, and reach out to me. Thank you for reading I will update again when things change or I need to release.